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Excuses for dying in WOT ... originally posted for our clan


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GOLDSHELLS #1 Posted 16 April 2013 - 12:16 PM

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after talking to Alex( I've got a sore finger) berridge last night and listening to his lame finger excuses for getting knocked out , I got to wondering what the most common reasons are for getting killed are while playing WOT ... Obviously the favorite old chestnut is 'lag' , i know ive used my 'wobbly' dining table on a few occasions... Therefore i have compiled a list of regular ;reasons' from the legitamate to utterly ridiculous, pleas feel free to use any if you have died particularly rapidly or far to regularly

LAG- (software)- made more authentic by bumping into platoon mates as they are about to shoot , make certain as you die to shout 'WHO ELSE IS USING THE ***ING INTERNET IVE GOT LAG AGAIN??!!!!' - this one is more believeble if you have a family with multiple users of the Internet on a single wireless router
AILMENTS (eg lacerated finger )- more believable if we can hear your constant whining
RED MIST -( nutter/psycho gameplay mode)- more believeble if you've had a stressful day at work , argument with the missus -so remember to mention when joining platoon how hard your days been so we can cover you
WIFE -(software- attention seeking - more believable if you turn the mic up so your platoon mates can hear the nagging / filth**)
WOBBLY TABLE - (hardware)- make sure to give table a good shake after you are killed to create ' squeaking ' sounds to enable platoon mates to hear the reason is valid
EATING -(software )- make sure you have your mic turned to the max and are eating crisps , best brands to swerve this excuse are monster munch or squares , also a spare plate and fork can be tapped to indicate eating while playing
CAT HAIR - a ridiculous excuse for dying but apparently if found under an optical mouse it can affects gameplay ...(apparently)
WIRELESS MOUSE /KEYBOARD/PC ISSUES - ( hardware) - made more believable by constantly complaining and whining about your current pc and/ or indicating you are getting a state of the art system soon -**caution** when new state of the art system is installed and ready to switch on , however tempting it is to boast about your new system DO NOT , I REPEAT DO NOT mention to clan members that you are using the new pc so that the ' **** pc ' ruse can still be used until significant improvements in gameplay are observed, if nothing changes and your gameplay is still as **** don't ever mention the 'new' pc again and hope we forget about it
**** TANK a totally believable excuse for dying if playing in the AMX40 , ARL or any British tank , especially the Centurion
MAGIC (THROUGH THE WALL) SHELL - **aka the JFK or banana shot , only use this excuse when your burning hulk is near to a wall , remember , your platoon mates may be able to see your smoking corpse as they continue the battle so make sure your tank hasn't got its arse hanging out and never use when in and open field / sand dune ... Best maps for this excuse ,Ensk or Himmesldorf , worst maps to use this excuse - sand river , airfield
PETS- ( general distraction issues other than moulting *vomiting /barking / jogging arm etc) - more believable if you haven't already strangled your cat for causing a previous death in your tank
LOW FPS-(hardware )- use if the 'lag' excuse is starting to wear thin
GRAPHICS CARD - (hardware)- use when the ' fps ' excuse is starting to wear thin
FAT LEGS - ( hardware )- can apparently affect the wireless connection, more believeble if you have a BMI of 20 or above and placed your wireless router under a mountain of filthy clothes in your bedroom
NO AMMO - ( brain/hardware)- not applicable if you've been seen shooting shells , applicable with 'new' tanks only - this is a single use excuse and if you are stupid enough to mention it at spawn to platoon mates via the mic or in game chat on solo grinds expect to be obliterated instantly before you've excited spawn , if you are in a light or fast medium tank you may be given a chance to scout , if loading no ammo has occurred during a tank company battle keep your trap shut and die heroically without firing a shell , just hope clan members have listened to the focus fire practices and you'll probably get away with it without anybody noticing. Also try dying in the middle of the battle , the fog of war period , everyone remembers the first or last people to die in company battles
PUSHING BLOCKING - (gameplay)- very irritating when this actually happens , no one likes it when your hiding correctly behind a wall waiting to reload and some stupid c*nt steams into the back of you pushing you into the firing line with your bollocks exposed ,players in French Tds are notorious for this , similarly no one likes it when your trying to return behind and obstacle to protect yourself and some c*nts parked in it nicking your spot this excuse can be used if your ' peek a boo ' skills aren't quite up to scratch yet , so use these excuses until your a top notch peek a booer , be warned - only use if you are first to die in a platoon if you start ' lying ' while they are watching your stupid ham fisted attempts to shoot and hide you'll find it hard to attract platoon mates
FILTH ** (generally wife getting the hump at lack of attention and either distracting you by touching your nuts or flaunting her wares mid game - more believable if silly background giggles can be heard )
PRESSING WRONG KEY -(brain hardware)- anither ridiculous excuse and a desperate one to use , so try not to if possible , unless you've played less than 300 battles or are drunk/ stoned - * see drunk
KIDS - a good fall back excuse if wife isn't about , (the only reason to have them to be quite honest ) made more believable if you have kids , if you haven't, siblings or other young relatives will suffice , grans or grandads should not be used out of respect
DRUNK - use with caution , if you are actually drunk this will be reflected by your increase in confidence verbally and Gun-Ho attitude during gameplay , there is a fine dividing line on this one , if your platoon is on a winning streak it will be taken with a pinch of salt , you will become the life and soul of the platoon and everything is rosy with a cherry on top , however if you start dying early in games , swear a lot and the platoon loses , it will become immediately irritating to team mates and the platoon will more than likely become disbanded after the losing streak reaches 5 , most likely to be used on Friday nights ( if this excuse is used regularly before 10 am Mon-Thurs , expect some sort of private advice to be given via clan admin regarding alcoholics anonymous / counselling services ) use the 'being drunk' excuse at will in solo grinds , with caution during platoons and NEVER during company battles
NOT TICKING AUTOREPAIR/ RESUPPLY- ( brain / hardware) - there is nothing worse as a platoon to hear a team mate whining after being tracked and killed due to no repair kit being resupplied in between games , similarly for a dead gunner not being healed because of no medical kit or slowly burning up in your tank til it explodes because of lack of fire extinguisher . For ***sakes it isnt hard to tick a box is it numbnut ??? so at risk of irritating colleagues , multiple uses of this excuse for dying will cause you to become called a ' twat' . Limited and accepted as a single use excuse per 'NEW ' tank as we can all get excited about rolling out new steel from the garage and forget this essential equipment , also be sure to place the same supply in the same box for every tank ... theres nothing more frustrating than trying to repair a track and press the heal crew member button in the heat of battle
FRIDGE DOOR -alarm bleeping (hardware)- any audible alarm , oven , microwave, fire alarm are just as good
DOORBELL - (another risky one to use , but made more believable if general background chatter can be heard , turning up eastenders has generally worked for me when using this excuse )
PHONE CALLS -from wives , girlfriends, booty calls, or friends are made all the more believable if you have any of the above which is highly unlikely being a world of tanks nerd so use with caution
SMOKING - ( software) - Only available for smokers - nothing is worse than forgetting you've got a slowly burning cigarette in your left hand while concentrating on a shot with your right hand , it only becomes evident when you've burnt a hole in your wife's three piece or you're got a ***in great blister in your finger, a curse into the mic will suffice when using smoking as an excuse for dying and is more believeble while playing scouts or fast medium tanks , much less believable in , KV1's TOGS or any British tank destroyers tier 5 and above
COMPUTER CRASHED/CONNECTION LOST -(hardware) - only believable if you drive straight through the enemy lines without deviation of any sort , no firing or turret rotation must be evident if this is to believed , so use with caution- driving directly into lakes , off bridges, cliffs or into large obstacles such as lighthouses , or castles will add to the authenticity of the claim
TEAMS IN SOLO GRINDS -''YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE TEAMS IVE HAD TONIGHT .. TOTAL ****E!!!!'' (** please note this excuse becomes less believable the more frequently it is used and can become tempting to use too much due to its difficulty to validate by others , although a win loss ratio below 35 percent will soon establish that the team is not entirely to blame you are just not very good , ** CAUTION ** this excuse is to be used with caution in platoons and is strictly unavailable in tank company battles)
THE '' IM REALLY NOT FEELING IT TONIGHT LADS ''. line - this line of bull**** has its risk also because you must maintain a slight hint of depression for a believable period of time even if in the next game you get a top gun or Radley Walters
TIREDNESS -(software) -GO TO BED! - putting your platoon mates stats at risk by being tired is absolutely no excuse , nobody wants a tired wingman ... Avoid 'tiredness' as an excuse unless it's a last resort Or your last game of a session
GOLD shells - this is an often used term , what I'd call a banker , cos nobody likes being done by a gold packing c*nt as your blissfully driving through sand river, you will gain immediate sympathy from colleagues even if this is bull**** as it is difficult to disprove
ARTY - '' ARTY ***ING GOT ME!'' - this is another banker , artillery players are more henious than gold packers and held with as much if not more contempt than gold packers ... this will also be met with immediate sympathy from platoon mates unless of course there is no arty in the game or arty has already been killed , where then you will be seen a s a lying c*nt so remember to check arty exists before using this line
'SORRY LADS IM STOCK' - the old 'im stock 'line is frequently used by clan members and is usually heard just as your loading into battle at spawn , we have eyes and we can see your stupid turret or stupid gun and we truly all have sympathy for you with your slow turning speed , your slow arsed tank, or your pathetic gun that wouldnt penetrate a baked bean tin at 10 yards, or if youre really unlucky all three rolled into one- weve all been there at one time or another so know how frustrating it is for you, however we dont wish to hear about it ad infinitum from the moment we start the battle until your untimely demise as it is a downer on the game, one mention is most definately enough, at spawn if necessary , but preferably after being knocked out - if the tank really is that piss poor in stock grind it in solo battles until your happy with it , dont inflict it on us, pessimism before a platoon rolls out is not helpful for morale, if getting slighlty demoralised with a stock tank at least you know it wont be stock forever and eventually you'll not be driving around with a long face and dream of the day your blowing away tier 8's and 9's ,at least its something to look forward to unlike centurion drivers whose tank is still **** even when fully upgraded
** if you need a boost to confidence and are playing with platoon members that cant distinguish stock from fully tooled up with bells on then claim you are stock - you will create legendary status amongst your piers , and be regarded as a 'Witmann' as you destroy all before you and everyone in the platoon is in awe of your skills**


remember when using 'excuses' for dying make sure that when describing the said death you add obscenity and blasphemous rhetoric to complete the authenticity of the ruse
ie 'the dog jogged my arm' will not be as believeable as 'THAT ***ING DOG ! FOR CHRISTSAKES PUT IT IN THE ***ING KITCHEN!''
and 'my computers got lag'' will never compete with ''THIS POXY ***ING COMPUTERS GOT LAG AGAIN IM GONNA THROW A BRICK AT IT!!''

extra expletives can be added liberally if platoon members seem unconvinced, however protesting too much will also create suspicion
whatever reasons you use there is a fine dividing line between actual causes of dying and fictional recreations ,also make sure you are not the last member in a platoon when 'lying' because they are highly likely to be 'watching ' you if it is a close match , sometimes its just better to admit you are sometimes **** or have come up against someone who is '**** hot '
anyway , good luck on the battlefield , enjoy playing WOT and if you hear any of the above excuses you know where you heard them first ;)

[moderated]

Edited by Hunter1911, 17 April 2013 - 05:13 AM.
This post has been edited by a member of the Moderation Team, due to inappropriate content. An official notification has also been sent. Hunter1911


FearyMaus #2 Posted 16 April 2013 - 12:25 PM

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I usually say the honest "sorry team, I noobed".

In some of the matches a valid excuse is also "Blame random number generator", for example if IS-7 bounces 3 shots on T-50-2, or GW Tiger bounces on AMX 13, or fully targeted arty shoot waiting for a minute for a tank to come out flies well outside anything you could imagine.

Yamaxanadu #3 Posted 16 April 2013 - 12:33 PM

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Well, one time I've just slept on keyboard...

Victreebell #4 Posted 16 April 2013 - 12:48 PM

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Could of spaced that out massive wall of text.

dartmaul15 #5 Posted 16 April 2013 - 12:52 PM

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Random CTD is in fact a valid excuse if someone joins the game late.

But generally i tries to be honest. If it involves one of the excuses, so be it. If i F**Ked up, then i say so.
But I mostly does OK - same damage as HP, or higher - , at least as long as i'm not dragged into tier 10 with my T32 (that sucs).

MadInAShed #6 Posted 16 April 2013 - 01:01 PM

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I have suffered lately with what they term in darts/golf as "The yips"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yips

wow, it actually exists! basically i line a shot up but i either can't fire for unexplained reasons or i try to make a fine adjustment and end up making a huge adjustment and shoot the moon/bushes/rocks/anything but the enemy instead :(

Bullitt #7 Posted 16 April 2013 - 01:10 PM

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My usual excuses are :-
  • My team was full of Noobs I say this even if my team is full of players with an 1800 + efficiency rating.
  • I did something stupid like crossed the field at Malinovka when the enemy team has 5 arty.
  • I'm playing shit.

Edited by Bullitt, 16 April 2013 - 01:11 PM.


stopit #8 Posted 16 April 2013 - 01:11 PM

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i thank you, this list has been printed out and stuck on the side of my monitor for future reference  :blinky:

Marlekin #9 Posted 16 April 2013 - 01:15 PM

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If I died a stupid and unneccesary death, I blame lag. The internets got me. Works everytime.

Xenasys #10 Posted 16 April 2013 - 01:17 PM

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My favourite is yes I really fancied a swim " otherwise why would I be at the bottom of the lake"

GOLDSHELLS #11 Posted 16 April 2013 - 01:20 PM

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View PostBullitt, on 16 April 2013 - 01:10 PM, said:

My usual excuses are :-
  • My team was full of Noobs I say this even if my team is full of players with an 1800 + efficiency rating.
  • I did something stupid like crossed the field at Malinovka when the enemy team has 5 arty.
  • I'm playing shit.


GOLDSHELLS #12 Posted 16 April 2013 - 01:21 PM

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You won't believe this  mate ... I did that last night and killed 5 arty in my t57 and got a burdas lol

GOLDSHELLS #13 Posted 16 April 2013 - 01:22 PM

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On malinovka ... Straight over the field lol

SgtBarnes75 #14 Posted 16 April 2013 - 04:20 PM

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My foot slipped off the clutch
Got my fly zipper caught on the loading mechanism
My tank had a puncture
Tonight Matthew I am going to play "Stooopid"
My brain is in my arse !

All valid excuses I have used  :great:

Hikiwake #15 Posted 16 April 2013 - 04:29 PM

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I die a lot, and since it is my own fault each and every time, I can use only one excuse: "I suck"

OmaiGodman #16 Posted 16 April 2013 - 04:35 PM

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Actually recently lag has become a valid excuse, but other than that N00B TEAM  :izmena: Na, I just tend to screw up from time to time  :hiding:

Sgt_Guffy #17 Posted 16 April 2013 - 07:42 PM

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Well OP, you have certainly taken the fun out of the game now, thank you very bloody much!!!

:teethhappy:

TimDogg #18 Posted 16 April 2013 - 10:22 PM

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I only need one excuse, it applies almost always: I am tipsy.

Your explanation is very accurate and indeed, I do make sure I am verbose enough for people to believe me, to the extent where the following day I end up apologizing to quite a few people.

TheKroo #19 Posted 17 April 2013 - 05:13 AM

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Moved to off-topic.

Baldrickk #20 Posted 17 April 2013 - 06:51 AM

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Lag is not an excuse:

Internet died and had to be reset at the beginning. There was lag throughout the match - hence late cornering at times.
http://mwreplays.com/newreplaysimg/9e08d63715230f8f978992a3d6c66152.png




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