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The joke thread.


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basin79 #1 Posted 20 September 2013 - 08:20 PM

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As the title says. This thread is dedicated to the good old joke. And seeing as this is indeed a joke thread I thought I'd start with the all time classic and officially  worlds funniest.


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"


SidewalkOfPain #2 Posted 20 September 2013 - 08:31 PM

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My love life.

There's your joke.

Ravenlunatic #3 Posted 25 September 2013 - 08:44 PM

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Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "Quick you man the gun, I'll drive."

GiraffeInATopHat #4 Posted 25 September 2013 - 10:55 PM

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Heard the joke about the Tog II*? Never mind, it is too long.

TinyViking #5 Posted 26 September 2013 - 09:38 AM

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What did the water say to the boat?
Nothing, it just waved!

Posted Image

clanmcwood #6 Posted 26 September 2013 - 09:41 AM

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Did you here the one where WG fixed HESH ammo....   oh never mind

BravelyRanAway #7 Posted 26 September 2013 - 09:45 AM

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Husband:- "What would you like for your birthday?"

Wife:- "Well if you didn't mind......I like to apply for the widows pension"

clanmcwood #8 Posted 26 September 2013 - 10:09 AM

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Husband:- "What would you like for your birthday?"

Wife:- "I want a divorce"

Husband:- "I'm not spending THAT much"

Moppedhupe #9 Posted 26 September 2013 - 10:13 AM

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what did one hat say to another?
Spoiler                     


Dazzerjeep #10 Posted 26 September 2013 - 02:21 PM

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A tourist was on safari in Africa when his Jeep crashed and his knees were smashed badly. He was taken to A&E and told by his surgeon how lucky he was because the hospital had a good knee replacement record. They sent men out into the forest and, if they found a dead ape, they cut out its knee bones for replacement surgery back at the hospital.
The operation was successful and the tourist went to pay his bill gladly, but when he asked how much he owed, he was told one penny.
'That can't be right,' he said, 'I will pay more than that.' 'No,' said the surgeon, and with that he brought out an invoice. Sure enough, there it was: two ape knees are one penny

Ravenlunatic #11 Posted 26 September 2013 - 10:25 PM

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Two women meet at the pearly gates:
1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.
2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st Woman: I froze to death.
2nd Woman: How awful!
1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and
finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home
early to catch him in the act. But instead I found
him all by himself in the house watching TV.
1st Woman: So what happened?
2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman
somewhere that I started running all over the house
looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and
then down into the cellar. I went through each
wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this
up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became
so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.
1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.
We'd both still be alive.

Edited by Ravenlunatic, 26 September 2013 - 10:25 PM.


Dazzerjeep #12 Posted 27 September 2013 - 12:16 PM

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A dad buys a robot that can detect when someone tells a lie, and responds by slapping them round the face.
He decides to test it one evening at dinner.
Dad - “Son, where were you today?”
Son - “At school dad. ”
Robot slaps the son round the face.
Son - “Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!”
Dad - “What dvd?”
Son - “Toy story.”
Robot slaps the son again!
Son - “Ok ok, it was a P0RNO” he cries.
Dad - “When I was your age I didn't know what P0RN was”
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum starts to laugh hysterically “ha ha ha! He's certainly your son.”
Robot slaps the mum!

GiraffeInATopHat #13 Posted 27 September 2013 - 04:57 PM

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Best weapon for maths destruction?


A calculator.


Oh sorry you said mass destruction. In that case then it is the hadron collider.

Dazzerjeep #14 Posted 28 September 2013 - 04:10 PM

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A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

I hope this is ok  :hiding:




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