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Listen To The Dear Leader Noobs!


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BERLIN_19451945 #1 Posted 04 February 2014 - 03:17 PM

    Lieutenant

  • Player
  • 21553 battles
  • 1,595
  • Member since:
    07-10-2013

Noobs! Assume a grovelling posture before reading this post from UNICOM Dear Leader Mr Bell End. His words are as thunder, his skills are beyond your understanding. Be pleased you will never meet his tank during a public battle, a Lol tractor fifteen meters high, with modules that spray napalm and Anthrax. A tank with its own map, powered by a nuclear reactor, with a gun that fires whole E75's as ammunition, and a crew of hybrid Cyber / Darlek men and commanded by Chuck Norris (a man so nails he was bitten by a zombie which turned Into Chuck Norris).

 

Noobs,

You continue to upset game balance with your Noobish actions. We have allowed you to play so you may offer yourself as sacrifices to the UNICOM alter. Yet you repay us with displaying those most vile of skills........tactics. WEF the following behaviour is to cease and you are to revert to normal tomato behaviour-

1) No gold to be used. Premium ammo makes the game fairer. It allows you to kill us. That is not what game balance is about. You are meat, nothing more. Bounce round to your hearts content, BUT NO PENETRATION!!!

2) An encounter battle is about driving quickly to the enemy spawn point and slugging it out face to face. A test of armour, of sitting still trading shots. Do not even think about capturing the CAP. If you must take something, take the hill noobs. A hill is vital, even when miles from the CAP. 

4) You are to stop cresting a ridge in groups, or going round the crest to avoid exposure. How are UNICUMS supposed to rack up kills? You are to crest one at a time, in the same place as the last noob was killed. Don't make UNICUMS think.

5) NO CAMPING. You claim that knocking out an IS8 at six hundred meters from the side with a 20 pounder using premium is a display of accuracy, tactical flanking and use of terrain. FOOLISH NOOBS. You should close to fifty meters and aim at the front plate repeatedly, offering yourself up as a speed hump so UNICUMS on your team can have a sip of herbal peace tea and look at WOTLABS.

6) Stop answering back in the chat window when criticised by a UNICUM. Foolish noob. It was your fault we lost the battle. You failed to support the tier tens when you didn't go brawling in your T21 with that King Tiger. Accept that when a team loses it's your fault, and when the team wins it is despite your pathetic tomato playing.

 

We cannot unfortunately get you banned from the game Noobs. Perhaps WG will develop a Super Smug Server, where the great and the good can play unhindered by you gold shooting tomato's. A place where tier tens can run free, safe in the knowledge all other team members are also self satisfied stat padding UNICUMS. But whilst we are forced to share maps, ensure you maintain game balance and behave as we expect. Your job is to spot and die, nothing more.

 

You may stand now. Heed the Dear Leaders words........

 






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