Jump to content


A joke a day to keep the doctor away

joke jokes fun. funny

  • Please log in to reply
70 replies to this topic

Eisenhowers #1 Posted 22 December 2014 - 02:36 PM

    Lance-corporal

  • Player
  • 5445 battles
  • 67
  • Member since:
    11-22-2011

Looking for a place to sleep

 

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. 
"Or just a bed, I don't care where."  
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."  
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him.  
"I'll take it." 
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.  
"Never better."  
The manager was impressed.  
No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"  
"Nope, I shut him up in no time."  Said the Marine. 
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. 
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.  
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."



Shaka_D #2 Posted 24 December 2014 - 12:41 AM

    Colonel

  • Beta Tester
  • 37657 battles
  • 3,761
  • Member since:
    10-18-2010

I'm a schitzOphrenic.....and so am I

 

No, but seriously:

An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.  
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.  
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:  
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you."  
The husband texted back to her:     
"I'm on the toilet.    Please advise." 


Edited by jinx_uk, 24 December 2014 - 12:47 AM.


BERLIN_19451945 #3 Posted 24 December 2014 - 12:51 AM

    Lieutenant

  • Player
  • 21553 battles
  • 1,595
  • Member since:
    07-10-2013

RAF pilot walks up to the Pearly Gates and is welcomed by St Peter. " Welcome to Heaven Flight Lt Smith! You're a bloody hero!"

Sailor walks up to the Pearly Gates and is welcomed by St Peter. "Welcome to Heaven Able Seaman Reid! We'll ignore that stuff with the Filipino hookers in Manila. Enjoy eternity!"

Soldier walks up to the Pearly Gates and St Peter says " Thank F*** you're here Lcpl Smith! Stag on for five minutes for me while I go for a smoke.........."



BERLIN_19451945 #4 Posted 24 December 2014 - 12:52 AM

    Lieutenant

  • Player
  • 21553 battles
  • 1,595
  • Member since:
    07-10-2013

 

Just bought one of them lean mean George Formby Grills? Brilliant bit of kit. You don't plug it in, just lean it against a lamp post...........

 

Oscar Pistorious only wanted a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend was dead against the idea.........

 

Mirror mirror on the wall, which is the fairest cap badge of all?

Why Infantry Lance Corporal! Without a doubt!

All received mirror! Roger, out.


Edited by BERLIN_19451945, 24 December 2014 - 12:56 AM.


Shaka_D #5 Posted 24 December 2014 - 01:00 AM

    Colonel

  • Beta Tester
  • 37657 battles
  • 3,761
  • Member since:
    10-18-2010

An elderly man in Ballarat had owned a large farm for several years.

He had  a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so  
he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and  peach trees.

One  evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been  
there for a while, and look it over.

He  grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some  fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.  

As he  came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his  pond.

He  made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of  the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or  
make you get out of the pond naked.'

 

Holding the bucket up he said,  'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'

 

Damn, he can think fast!!!

 


Edited by jinx_uk, 24 December 2014 - 01:02 AM.


Xensation #6 Posted 24 December 2014 - 01:01 AM

    Lieutenant General

  • Clan Commander
  • 15736 battles
  • 7,712
  • Member since:
    06-08-2012

I'd like to tell you a TOG joke.

 

 

Spoiler

 



Eisenhowers #7 Posted 24 December 2014 - 01:03 AM

    Lance-corporal

  • Player
  • 5445 battles
  • 67
  • Member since:
    11-22-2011
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. 
Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.  
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.  
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff. 
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. 
At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. 
I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.” 
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. 
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out also. 
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant.  
He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.  
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. 
“Do you notice anything different about me?” 
To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” 
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. 
“And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked. 
The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

BERLIN_19451945 #8 Posted 24 December 2014 - 01:15 AM

    Lieutenant

  • Player
  • 21553 battles
  • 1,595
  • Member since:
    07-10-2013

Sleeping beauty, Tiny Tim and Quasimodo are sat in the bar all looking sad. 

"What's up with you miserable twats?" asks the barman.

"Well I"m the prettiest girl of all" says Sleeping Beauty, " But no one tells me these days"

" And I'm the littlest guy in the World!" Says Tiny Tim, "And no one ever tells me!"

" And I'm the ugliest bast**** on Earth" slobbers Quasimodo " but even I manage to pull in Joes Nightclub in Portsmouth! No one ever calls me the ugliest man now" he laments...

So the barman tells them of his magic mirror in the back, and sends Sleeping beauty to talk to it.

" Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?"

" You are Sleeping Beauty! I'd smash you all day, if I had a [edited]" says the mirror.

So sleeping beauty walks out happy. Tiny Tim is next, and two minutes later, he returns beaming! " I AM the littlest guy in the World!"

And then Quasimodo has his turn. Thirty seconds later he storms out, kicks a table, and knocks out the barman screaming.....

"WHO THE F*** IS JINK_UK?"



BERLIN_19451945 #9 Posted 24 December 2014 - 01:18 AM

    Lieutenant

  • Player
  • 21553 battles
  • 1,595
  • Member since:
    07-10-2013

What's the difference between a female member of the Royal Navy and a Walrus?

One of them is fat, has leathery skin, and smells of fish. And the other is a Walrus..........



Eisenhowers #10 Posted 24 December 2014 - 05:15 PM

    Lance-corporal

  • Player
  • 5445 battles
  • 67
  • Member since:
    11-22-2011

Don't know if i already posted this one but here ....

 

There was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.  

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant.  
"Here, take this broom.  
Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."  
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.  
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end.  
"Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."  
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.  
Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him.  The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!"  
The German falls dead.  
More Germans appear.  
The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! 
Stabity Stab Stab!"  
He mows down the enemy by the dozens.  
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.  
"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit.  
The German keeps coming.  
"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. 
He gets desperate.  "Bangety Bang Bang!  Stabity Stab Stab!"  
It's no use.  
The German keeps coming.  
He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."


Edited by Eisenhowers, 24 December 2014 - 05:16 PM.


BERLIN_19451945 #11 Posted 24 December 2014 - 07:28 PM

    Lieutenant

  • Player
  • 21553 battles
  • 1,595
  • Member since:
    07-10-2013

Three generations of whores are sat at the kitchen table. Daughter says " I got £25 for a blow job last night". Mother replies, "How times have changed, in my day back in the sixties you could only get a fiver". Granny says "In my day back in World War Two, we were just grateful for a warm drink!

 

--------

 

So, there’s this matelot dancing around Joannas. He spots (unbelievably) a nice looking girl in the corner. He asks her if she'd like a drink to which she replies "To be honest, do you just fancy taking me home?" So, he takes her home and gets invited in. She asks "Do you mind me asking but, are you a sailor?"

At this point, he knows he has blown it but tells her that he is indeed a sailor.

"Oh that's great because my grandad was a sailor and you're the first one I've ever met!
... ... 
"Do you smoke?"

Well, Jack's over the moon and he answers "yes" whereby she goes out into the kitchen and brings out 100 Blue Liners. "You can have these if you like as I don't smoke and they've been in the cupboard for ages.

"Do you drink?"

Jack asks for a lager but instead she comes back with a bottle of Pussers Rum. At this point, he looks up to the heaven and thanks the 'God of Sailors' for this goldmine.

"Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable?" she asks to Jack's delight.

When she returns she is wearing a see through nightie with every ship's cap tally, past and present, sewn in the hem. Jack can't believe his luck !!

Then she says "now, I have another lovely surprise waiting for you in my bedroom”

“[edited]me” says Jack “Don’t tell me you’ve got an Uckers board in there

​------------

Took the Mother-In-Law out last night. One punch........

------------------

All you old salts will probably have heard this one but it's really for Nozzers.A  17 year old virgin falls for a hairy arsed old matelot and decides to marry him. Her mother is aghast and warns her "Be very carefull my dear, I hope you have a happy marriage, but remember, if he asks you to 'do it the other way' you must refuse". The girl and the matelot get married and all goes well for the first 12 months. One day she recalls her mother's words and being curious says to Jolly Jack, "Shall we do it the other way?" "What" says Jack, "And fill the house with bloody kids"!

 

Edited by BERLIN_19451945, 25 December 2014 - 12:32 AM.


Salentine #12 Posted 24 December 2014 - 09:03 PM

    Lieutenant

  • Player
  • 23574 battles
  • 1,720
  • Member since:
    05-07-2013

yes i know the accident in Glasgow was terrible, but i have to share this one with you...

 

Terrorist news:
Bin Laden's close friend, Bin Lorry, kills six in Glasgow.

 



MeetriX #13 Posted 24 December 2014 - 10:15 PM

    Major

  • Player
  • 20625 battles
  • 2,780
  • Member since:
    08-12-2012

Have you ever read Herman Melville's book called Moby-[edited]?

It's a story about sperm whale who eats seamen.

Edit: Stronk auto censor. MobyDick.


Edited by MeetriX, 24 December 2014 - 10:16 PM.


Shaka_D #14 Posted 24 December 2014 - 11:06 PM

    Colonel

  • Beta Tester
  • 37657 battles
  • 3,761
  • Member since:
    10-18-2010

View PostBERLIN_19451945, on 24 December 2014 - 01:15 AM, said:

Sleeping beauty, Tiny Tim and Quasimodo are sat in the bar all looking sad. 

"What's up with you miserable twats?" asks the barman.

"Well I"m the prettiest girl of all" says Sleeping Beauty, " But no one tells me these days"

" And I'm the littlest guy in the World!" Says Tiny Tim, "And no one ever tells me!"

" And I'm the ugliest bast**** on Earth" slobbers Quasimodo " but even I manage to pull in Joes Nightclub in Portsmouth! No one ever calls me the ugliest man now" he laments...

So the barman tells them of his magic mirror in the back, and sends Sleeping beauty to talk to it.

" Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?"

" You are Sleeping Beauty! I'd smash you all day, if I had a [edited]" says the mirror.

So sleeping beauty walks out happy. Tiny Tim is next, and two minutes later, he returns beaming! " I AM the littlest guy in the World!"

And then Quasimodo has his turn. Thirty seconds later he storms out, kicks a table, and knocks out the barman screaming.....

"WHO THE F*** IS JINK_UK?"

You're going to pay for that sonny.....oh man, are you going to pay:P. At least my mother still loves me and my pooch looks at me all lovingly-like (prob wants food again)


Edited by jinx_uk, 24 December 2014 - 11:07 PM.


BERLIN_19451945 #15 Posted 25 December 2014 - 12:30 AM

    Lieutenant

  • Player
  • 21553 battles
  • 1,595
  • Member since:
    07-10-2013

View Postjinx_uk, on 24 December 2014 - 10:06 PM, said:

You're going to pay for that sonny.....oh man, are you going to pay:P. At least my mother still loves me and my pooch looks at me all lovingly-like (prob wants food again)

 

Well, as someone who has frequented Portsmouth nightclubs, I know the importance of the love of any and indeed all dogs, and especially those who need feeding, courtesy of our good friend at The Messy Burger Wagon on Queens Street.

Merry Xmas



Shaka_D #16 Posted 25 December 2014 - 12:53 AM

    Colonel

  • Beta Tester
  • 37657 battles
  • 3,761
  • Member since:
    10-18-2010

View PostBERLIN_19451945, on 25 December 2014 - 12:30 AM, said:

 

Well, as someone who has frequented Portsmouth nightclubs, I know the importance of the love of any and indeed all dogs, and especially those who need feeding, courtesy of our good friend at The Messy Burger Wagon on Queens Street.

Merry Xmas

 

Lol, you too mate :P

Eisenhowers #17 Posted 25 December 2014 - 02:24 AM

    Lance-corporal

  • Player
  • 5445 battles
  • 67
  • Member since:
    11-22-2011
The Company Commander and the First Sergeant were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
        The CO said, "I see millions of stars."
        1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"
        CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that the Creator is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"
        1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

A_Lethal1 #18 Posted 25 December 2014 - 07:46 AM

    Corporal

  • Player
  • 4640 battles
  • 107
  • Member since:
    08-16-2014

A   RCN Doctor doing his residents at a CFB hospital was working in the treatment ward on a weekend where no appointments and a first come first serve policy was in affect.  He received a call from the base CO stating that he had a minor medical problem and was coming in, the young Doctor told him that they had a fairly light load so could probably see him fairly soon after he arrived.  The Base commander stated that he was coming in and would be seen right away!  The doctor told him that on weekends it was a first come first served policy.  The Base CO told him this is Colonel  Bougins and  I WILL BE SEEN UPON MY ARRIVAL!    The doctor said " do you know who this is?"  "NO I don't"  . " Well F**K Off!" and hung up the phone!   An hour latter the senior doctor questioned the young doctor.  "Did you tell Colonel Bougins to [edited]off?  No sir I don't think that's something I would do!  I might have told someone to F**k off, but not if I knew it was the base commander!*

* True Story

 



A_Lethal1 #19 Posted 25 December 2014 - 07:49 AM

    Corporal

  • Player
  • 4640 battles
  • 107
  • Member since:
    08-16-2014

Which Military Service Has Big Brass Ones?

A marine general, an army general and an navy admiral were discussing who has the toughest men one day.

The army general goes, "Alright, I'll prove the army's got the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered -"Yes sir?"

The general goes, "see that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The general goes "See? That man has balls!"

The marine general goes, "That's nothing! Private get over here!"

The marine private reports, "Yes sir?"

The general goes, "See that man over there? Kill him and then yourself!"

Without blinking the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.

The marine general goes, "See? Now that man has balls!"

The admiral says, "That's nothing." He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey seaman! Jump off that tower!"

The seaman goes, "Excuse me sir?"

The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"

The seaman replies, "F#$% you sir!"

The admiral goes, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"

Note: The Airforce is not mentioned in the above. We leave it as an open exercise as to why. 



A_Lethal1 #20 Posted 25 December 2014 - 07:55 AM

    Corporal

  • Player
  • 4640 battles
  • 107
  • Member since:
    08-16-2014

Actual Officer Fitness Reports

 

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. 


I would not breed from this Officer. 


This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be. 


When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. 


He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. 


He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. 


Technically sound, but socially impossible. 


This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. 


This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 


When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably. 


Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. 


She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 


He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. 


This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better. 


In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet. 


This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 


The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship. 


Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.






1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users