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A little humour always helps

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Bartender_ #1 Posted 23 December 2014 - 09:34 AM

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Hey guys. Campaign is over, 2014 is near the end and since we all could use a laugh, here is some good sense humour by your pink fluffy unicorns stable called HDU. Enjoy!

 

Actual Exchanges Between Pilots And Control Towers

(Orphaned Work)

 

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"    

 

_________

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f***ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"   

 

_________

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.. I've got the little Fokker in sight."

 

_________

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.

 

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."   

 

_________

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

 

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

 

_________

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: 

 

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground control (in English): "If you want an answer, you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"    

 

_________

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger. And yes, we copied Eastern.. we've already notified our caterers."   

 

_________

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

 

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

 

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

 

_________

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

 

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

 

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

 

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark and I didn't land."

 

_________

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

 

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

 

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

 

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

 

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

 

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?" 

 

I just found it 2 funny not to share. Meryy Christmas to the entire WG community!



Monster95alpha19 #2 Posted 23 December 2014 - 09:45 AM

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Anzezaf #3 Posted 23 December 2014 - 11:39 AM

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SteelPapaya #4 Posted 23 December 2014 - 12:05 PM

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StonedDododo #5 Posted 23 December 2014 - 05:10 PM

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Thanks dude that was awesome, merry Christmas!

Bartender_ #6 Posted 23 December 2014 - 08:24 PM

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Let's laugh some more:

 



True conversation heard at Hanover Airport. The young woman in Tower has recently finished her training and is still not completely at ease. BA XXX is at holding position runway 09R. Another aircraft is doing approach procedures for a landing on the same runway. Tower wishes to expedite take-off for BA XXX:

 

Tower: BA XXX, are you ready for a quickie ?

 

BA XXX: Lady, I'm always ready for a quickie, but first I have to fly this plane to Helsinki !
 



ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? "

Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.

ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."


(Heard on the radio -  Really ) 
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel." 
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!" 
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."  


Tower: "xxxx, clear to land" 
XXXX: "roger" 
Tower: "xxxx, I can not see any landing gear. Is your gear down?" 
XXXX: "Say again, I can't hear you because there a some darn horn blaring in my ear!" 
Tower: "Your landing gear is NOT DOWN" 
XXXX: "Say what, I can't understand you" 
Tower: "Your landing gear is ..... aw crap."  


Just for everyone's information, Korso is a district of Vantaa, Finland.

It was a sunny day at EFHK (Helsinki-Vantaa) and a Finnair MD-11 was moving towards rwy 22L.

FIN MD: Tower, those photographers should be moved from their place...
Tower: Fin MD: They have a permission for being (a short pause)

FIN MD: Tower: They really should be removed.
Tower: Fin MD: They really have a permission...

(a pause again)

Fin MD: Tower: We're lined up on rwy 22L. Remove those photographers.
Tower: Fin MD: For the last time. They have a permission, so they won't be removed!

Fin MD: Tower: Ok then. Will be flying to Beijing and those boys will fly to Korso!


Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.


Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: (short break) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (short break again) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: (once again short break) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."


Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain."
Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100."
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain."
Pilot: "But four plus six is ten, isn't it?"
Tower: "You should climb, not add up."


A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?"
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
D5: "Same position, same altitude."
ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form?"


Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"


Controller: "CRX600, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less."
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."







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