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For all ex-sailors.........

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BERLIN_19451945 #1 Posted 30 December 2014 - 12:55 PM


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Add to as appropriate...

How to simulate being in the Navy
1. Buy a skip, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
(1a. Ex-Submariners - paint it Black outside Pea Green / off white inside according to nationality)
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbour's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.
8. Raise the sills and lower the frames of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong pit. Where’s Nobby sleep?."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house
- dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.
14. Have your neighbour come over each day at 0500 , blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Call The Hands Call The Hands Call The Hands. Leading Hand 3P Mess Report to the Reg Office……..now”
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500....... In triplicate.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. Alternately, fill a bucket with soapy water, four filthy cloths, and stand in the hallway for an hour talking and looking at the ceiling for dust.
18. Have your neighbour collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Alternately, buy six boxsets of drama, mix up DVD’s, and watch in random order.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting " Action Stations, Action Stations, Action Stations! Assume NBCD State One Condition Zulu!” 
21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have cheesy hammy eggies or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Use lots of flour, in fact, all the flour not used in the previous nights curry. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off. Alternately, spread 1mm icing on the mornings remaining bread buns, and declare yourself a real “Nigella ******* Lawson”
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a Pot Noodle and coffee. Consume said items in hallway, and have someone run past you naked except for a white balaclava and boots whilst screaming “TWO DECK STREAK!”
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Put on an old scuba diving tank, and fill with two minutes of air. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire. Alternately, stand with bucket of water by garage wall for an hour, and declare yourself ‘boundary cooling’.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Stand in front of the cooker. Announce" Cooker closed up and cleared away” After an hour or so, announce "Cooker fall out.." Roll up the headphones and stow them in a shoe box.
28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 1030 p.m. "PIPE DOWN!" Then send wife round exterior of house looking for lights. Remind her she hasn’t yet paid her bunk light bill.
29. Send wife away for a month. Do not look at women on street, on TV, in magazines. Then ask fattest woman in town round for a drink. Consume lots of beer. Be stunned how attractive she looks.
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals. Inform them the house is not up to scratch.
(Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.)
31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.
32. Invite the most boring man you know round. Stand with him on front porch for eight hours, whilst holding toy gun. Walk around exterior of house every thirty minutes and declare “Upper deck rounds correct”. Relieve boredom by occasionally shouting “ Mr Black, Mr Decker. Dockyard contractors. Report to the Woodwork shop” or “M…E…M Berr, report to the forward heads”
33. Make TEA using eighteen scoops of budget priced TEA per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
34. Purchase twelve foot of rope. Leave outside overnight in freezing weather. In morning, attempt to wrap rope around a coffee jar. Have wife stood behind telling you the sooner it gets done, the sooner you can go for a brew. For max realism, have a neighbour throw cups of cold water at you.
35. Install locks on all doors in house. Place keys on large metal hoop. Add at least sixty keys which have been lying around for years. Mix. Then walk around each room every hour. Locking and unlocking each time. Ensure you sign chit confirming the wardrobe / toilet / cooker isn’t on fire or flooded.
36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.
37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Purchase KFC Bargain Bucket ( feeds a family of seven or one drunk sailor). Then walk all the way home. Eat two chicken wings, and place remainder under pillow. Consume cold next morning.
39. Purchase toy binoculars. Fill bath with water. Turn out all lights, then look for periscopes in bath for six hours.
40. Spend six hours cooking a  five course gourmet dinner for wife. Then have her eat two mouthfuls, and ditch remainder in the bin, whilst saying “ Ditch my crapflunky”. She should then consume two Curry Pot Noodles and three bags of Monster Munch whilst declaring “Chefs are wankers”.
41. On hottest day of year, invite all male neighbours to house. Dress in shorts only. Turn on heating. Open crate of warm beer, and insert dwarf porn DVD. Sit as closely together as possible, and watch intently.


BERLIN_19451945 #2 Posted 30 December 2014 - 01:31 PM


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Invite a gay man to live in your house for six months. Allow him to watch you shower twice daily. Remind yourself this is in the interest of 'Equal Opportunities'.


Wait until your neighbour goes to work. Wait a decent period (ten minutes), then go round his house and initiate cardinal relations with his wife.


Watch Cruel Sea at least twice a week, with heating on during hottest day of year. Wear shorts and cap. Invite neighbours round, and sit closely together. At infrequent intervals, shout...

"Snorkers! Good Oh!"

" Bloody Murderer!"

"I'm the First Lt, and don't you forget it"


Simulate Channel Night by inviting all your neighbours round for a party in your living room and hallway. Consume huge amounts of Cider. Have at least three fights. In the morning, hurriedly pack bag and go on holiday for three weeks.


Rig large net hammock in garden. Place all household rubbish in bags, and place in hammock. Leave for one month until seeping. Then by hand, transfer rubbish to skip using human chain (family members preferably).


Spend two hours polishing kitchen laminate floor. Then have wife shout "Fire Fire Fire!" And throw salt water on floor. Wait two hours, then strip and re-polish floor as appropriate.


Open your house toilet as a public lavatory. Store porn mags in pipe work above toilet. At 1800 hrs, spend thirty minutes removing various bodily fluids from toilet. Inform wife that toilet is ready for rounds, and then immediately consume one portion over cooked beef and flour based gravy, before staring at full bath tub looking for periscopes.


Simulate Ship Open To Visitors by asking your neighbours round for a tour of the house. They should ask inane questions like " Is that a tap?" And "What does the cooker do?". Meanwhile, you should attempt to initiate sexual relations with any females present.


Rename all your family members as 'Dusty', 'Knocker', 'Pony', 'Ging' and 'Whacker' etc etc. If your family surname is Kerr, all are to be called 'Wan'. It's the law. It just is.......


Empty your fridge of all food. Fill it with beer. Store more beer in the wardrobe, under the bed, under the seats, in the loft etc etc. Invite random people in, shout "Guest in the mess", and get them drunk. Re-stock beer as appropriate.

Edited by BERLIN_19451945, 30 December 2014 - 02:54 PM.

ArkSin #3 Posted 30 December 2014 - 03:07 PM


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lol very good.


I'm really missing out on 41. damn it :(

Edited by ArkSin, 30 December 2014 - 03:12 PM.

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