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Fun read: drunk ramble of a clanmate


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Trados #1 Posted 14 January 2015 - 09:47 AM

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Well want something to read here is something that drunk clanmate posted on our forum a long time ago :trollface: had so much fun reading this:popcorn:

 

"WARNING: This thread contains spoilers and shocking truths based on scientific and historical facts.

Have you ever asked yourself: "Maus or T1 Cunningham?", "Tiger P or T-54?", "When will One Piece finally end?"? Well worry no more, I will answer the most fundamentaly questions of mankind in
 

[CENSORED]`s Epic and Totaly Objective Tan Line Review - Part 1


And on the 6th day, God created the man. And until 1942 the German Reich occupied (nearly) all of Europe. How could that happen? If you ask experts on german technology, the Wehraboo Society, you will know, that it`s because german tanks were so good. So knowing that, let`s have a look on them in World of Tanks:

German tank are as homogenic as the 3d Reich itself, they`re as gray as Germany itself, they look like package boxes and if you stack them on each other, by using a ingame glitch, you can create the infamous Berlin Wall, which is an item, that will allow you to keep out biased russian tanks out of your matchmaking. That realy works, ask YouTube and download some crapin a link somehwere in the description and you`re set!
So beside being grey and looking like a box, what defines the german tanks? Well, if you shoot their transmissions they will burn. That`s because, to reduce the material costs during the hard days of World War II, german engineeres came up with the idea, to combine engine, transmission and fuel tanks in one single part and put it right in the front of the tank, at the weakes point basically. That``s for strategic reasons: Since you usualy mount a engine and fuel tanks in the rear, and every enemy knows it, whey will shoot there in order to set your tank on fire, so to outplay them, those geran engineers mounted some engine and fuel tanks in the rear of the tank, but they never burned or something like that. Because they were atraps, since the real engine, fuel tanks and transmission, where just one part, in the front of the tank, which had the worst armor. Nobody will shoot there. It`s a very obvious reason. Actualy, what some people might not have know, there was something wrong with the programming of Wargaming, the developers of World of Tanks, so some german tanks, burned when you shot them in the rear, you know, the part with engine and fuel tanks, but because of the historical accuracy, that Wargaming pursues throughout their game developement, this was patched out in patch 9.13, so that it matches with the newest studies of the scientist group, known as the Wheraboos.
The historical accuracy of Wargaming runs even so deep, that they implemented a bunch of projects, unfinished crapand prototypes into the game. Some of them very vague designes, that where made when some Nazis gathered together, drank a lot Herbert told Hermann, while skething a concept on a paper tissue: "Yo, you know what`s the crapman? Imagine: We mount an AA gun on the E-100 chassis, that lies around in your backyard and call that crapa Waffentraeger (engl.: Waepon Carrier) auf E-100. Hows that?" Well this idea actually ended in a trash can, when Hermann woke up the next morning with a terrible hangover and swiped away the rest of his puke from his mouth, unfortunately with that tissuue. Yes, shocking truth, I know. Never the less you can have the ultimate Waffentraeger experience in World of Tanks! Rumours say it`s so overpowered and hard to beat like Omega Waepon, if you know what I mean.
Other then that german tanks are defined by having good guns, being quite mobile at least some of them a little bit underwhelming armor, while others are protected by the divine spirit of the Fuehrer.
The basic tactic with a german tank is to kemp bush. Best bushes are found around your own base.
The tanks have a good reputation in the following groups of players: noobs, basecampers and wehraboos.
If you wanna try the german techtree, I would highlight the following tanks: Hetzer, Panzer IV, Jagdpanther, Panther, Aufklaerungspanzer Panther, VK 30.02D, Tiger I, Indien Panzer, Tiger II, Jagdtiger, E-50, E-75, E-100, Leopard 1. On the other hand, though, there is not realy much of a difference between all of them.
Tanks you should NEVER buy: Jagdpanzer auf E-100, because it`s [edited]and if you want a powercreep, that is not as boring as the Waffentraeger auf E-100, get yourself the british Death Star, which is basically the same tank, just better.
Sidenotes: After a few tests of the Leopard Prototype A, german engineers discovered, that it might be not that grate of an idea, to put the ammorack behind the gun mantlet. They changed it, phew.
Even though never finished, just looking at the chassis of the E-100, that until this day lies in Hermanns backyard, you absolutely KNOW, that is gonna be better then an IS-7.
Least but not lost: The Maus in game is as much useless as the real life one. A fine example of precise historical accuracy, by wargaming here, even though, the Wehraboo Sociaty disagrees.


In 1943 til 1945, Jossif Stalin, equipped millions of peole with a butter knife and kicked some Nazi asses. And here the origin of World of Tanks` russian bias is found. Russian tanks are basicaly like some drunken russian woodsman, they`re inacurate as crap, have tons of steel as armor, this is where the surname Stalin comes from, and some are believed to be powered by nuclear reactors, which was never proven, though.
What else to say? Well russian tanks are basically as homogenic as the Communist Party of the Soviet Union and green, simply because its much nicer background color for a red star and it doesn`t look so depressive like the german gray.
Well, the russians were also those, to invent those dome-like turrets, as well as sloped armor. That`s why their tanks look more like tanks and not like boxes. Some russian tanks use also a futuristic force field, which is powered by Stalin`s psychic powers, while some rely on the brute force of thousands of tons of steel. And because the Soviets won the war and lasted longer then the Nazis, they have more tanks to offer, that were actualy built. So what has the Soviet line to offer?
Two Tankdestroyer lines. One shitty armor, speed and a clocking device and leads to the Object 263 or something like that, which has actualy also armor. The other line, has decent armor, derp guns and as well a clocking device, and lead to the other Object 263 or something like that, which is actualy based on an IS-8, even though you never be able to research it from the IS-8, because of historical accuracy, since one factory build the IS-8 and the other the Object, while the plans for them were delivered from Stalin, so they basically never knew what they were doing. Right.
Then there are two different medium tank lines, which lead to three different tier ten mediums, which on the other hand are the same, just look different, you know, individuality is important.
And then there are two heavy tank lines, one is based on steel and leads to the IS-4, which is basically the same as the ST-I, that comes bfore it, and the IS-6, a premium tier 8 tank, which has gunner, that always drinks to much vodka as a special feature for balancing reasons. Of coure the IS-4 looks different then the other two.
The other line is the IS line. IS stands for Iossif Stalin. Yes, right. These tanks are the elite of the eleite of the biased soviet elite forces. They have a forcefield made by Stalin and they have a shell guidance system made by Stalin. They`re even fueld with Stalin. They`re considered to be the most difficult tanks to beat in this game, since the ghost of Stalin goes everytime in a rage mode, as soon as one IS tank is reduced to a minimum of his health and when Stalin goes ragemode that`s never good: All power is now directed to the Stalin Force Field, Stalin Shell Gidance System and Stalin Fuel in order to transform the tank into Stalin himself and therefor becoming super OP.
The end of the IS line marks the IS-7, a prototype tank build in deepest Sibiria druing the ice cold days of the Ice Cold War, which is considered to be the secret in game worldboss of the arctic region. Unfortunately however, in order to bring on the lights on the front of the tank, and yes the soviets where so advanced at that time, that they knew the dangers of driving without lights during the night, the soviet engineers had to reduce the amount of ormor on the spot, where the lights are mounted to zero, so that every s*** a** m*****f***** can penetrate your armor there, which makes your force field completely useless. You need as well to keep in mind that your gunner is the same dude from the IS-6, and since he`s alsways to drunk to shoot, you will have a hard time hitting anything. Even if it is in right in front of you. But fear not! You`re equiped with lots and lots of spaced armor; spaced armor, also known as Stalin Force Field, is a stae of the art technique, to build another tanks over the tank, that you already build and leave some space in between them, so Stalins ghost has enough room to live there. Spaced armor is especialy good, to avoid getting killed in the first few minutes of the game.
Another great feature of russian tanks is, the implementation of a black hole, created by soviet scientists in 1952, so way before the stupid swiss in CERN did it, into the tanks` tracks. This allows russian tanks to absord nearly everyshell, that reaches into the near of the gravitation field that surround the tracks.
The basic tactics of driving a russian tank: Drink vodka, rush your enemy and prey to Stalin to protect you. Oh, and NEVER EVER give your gunner TO MUCH vodka.
Russian tanks are highly favored by these groups of players: Noobs, botters, russians.
Tank Highlights: Su-85, T-34-85, A-43, A-44, Object 416,IS-3, KV-4, T-54, Object 430 II, IS-8.
Sidenotes: You can`t do much wrong playing russian tanks, because in soviet russia, thhe tank drives you.
Tanks you should NEVER buy: IS-4, because it`s [edited]BORING. IS-7, because it`s a [edited]useless BULLCRAP of a tank. Now I finally said it. Seriously, get an E-100 or the british heavy FV instead or so"

 



Xandier59 #2 Posted 14 January 2015 - 12:41 PM

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the guy who write this need to stop drinking.... seriously... stop it now xD

so much accurate historical fact written there 



CHR1S_PL #3 Posted 14 January 2015 - 03:52 PM

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