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A guide on - How to be a noob


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m1x_angelico #1 Posted 24 December 2017 - 08:34 PM

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As there are numerous  guides on how to play like/be a unicum, I decided to write a different sort of guide, a guide for an average Joe, if you will, or even a guide for a unicum wanting to pass as a commoner among the plebs.

 

Follow the rules below and you are guaranteed to be (or at least be deemed) a noob:

 

Introductory remarks

Choose you in-game name wisely: Choose strong words like - pro, unicum, unicorn, power, mega, giga, ultra, stronk, crusher; and combine them with the name of your nation, your favorite cartoon/movie character, or your favorite pet's name. In addition, a popular choice is to combine your personal name with your age or last two digits of the year you were born to, but this is considered a week choice for a stronk noob.

 

THE RULES 

 

1. The first rule of fight club being a noob is: Camping is good.

If there was a WOT bible, this would be the first commandment. Find the closest rock or a house or some other object that can hide you, preferably closest to the spawn point, and stay there. Do not move even if the flank is collapsing or people are yelling at you for not moving and threatening to report you. Joke’s on them, you are the last survivor, who cares what these puny humans are saying. In fact, at a beginning of your noob career, do not use chat. The closest you appear to an AI bot, the better.

 

When you have mastered the basic techniques of being a noob it is time to move to the next level:

 

2. While the timer is still counting down, start off the game by saying: we lose, another noob team, another crap MM, F**K you WG, etc. If you feel adventurous, you can go for a more sarcastic option and say - what a team/MM, thank you WG!! However, beware that some people may not get the sarcasm and mistake you for a normal player, and this is not what we're going for.

 

3. When you see a teammate behind a bush, try to push him out of cover (preferably get him killed) and claim the bush as your own. Don't forget to gloat and call him a noob or give him some other juicy insult.

 

4. Do not learn from your mistakes, that is dangerous and will set you on the path of a unicum. If you get killed taking a certain path or using a certain strategy, do it again and again and again.

 

5. If you see a teammate that is from Poland, don't forget to insult him because of that. It is a well known fact that Polish people are the worst noobs, and therefore, your worst competition.

 

6. Don't be shy to generously use insults, not only to your teammates, but also to the opposing team. The fact that they don’t hear you, should not stop you to offend them. In fact, be as toxic as possible. Also, don't forget to use the word k**wa, so people may mistake you for a Polish, does stealing some of their noob power. Furthermore, do not hesitate to contact players post-match and insult them or harass them further.

 

7. Take a LT or MT and do a kamikaze attack. When you get killed or get into trouble start pinging continuously and writing - noob team, why is no one helping me, camping idiots, etc. If you have the opportunity, shoot at one of your teammates to get his attention.

 

8. When you find a target and enter the zoom mode, the rest of the world does not exist anymore. There is you and the target. Even if there is a LT circling you and shooting, even if there are several tanks shooting you from the side, do not exit that zoom mode, cause exiting is for quitters, and you are not one, no siree.

 

7. Don’t forget to shoot at and insult/harass any tank that looks like a LT, who is sitting behind a bush. LTs should be actively spotting, preferably far ahead where you cannot shoot the enemy. You should not tolerate this sitting behind the bush, LT or no-LT. If done properly, this should bring you admiration of the other noobs, and even an invite or two to join their clan. In fact, if you are having a bad day, take a TD and shoot people randomly. As the ban system is working as intended, you will most likely not get banned, while you will also ruin someone else's day. This alone, should make you feel a bit better, 'cause misery likes company.

 

8. When playing with arty do no hesitate to shoot both your teammates and the enemy tanks if they are standing to close. It is your teammates’ obligation to know to keep their distance even though you haven’t even signaled that you will attack that target or that area.

 

9. If the enemy damages your modules or crew members or gets off a lucky shoot, do not forget to yell “cheater” or so, and send a support ticket to WOT without a replay.

 

10. Allways use HE, 'cause you will never miss. As a bonus, if you decide to go wild and use standard shells,  using HE digs into enemy's armour and you can pen that spot more easily with a standard shell.

 

11. Do not, ever, ever go back. Even if your base is being captured, you have to keep on pushing young noob warrior! In fact remove the reverse button from your in-game configuration altogether.

 

12. Herding on 2x2 meters is good. Nobody got hurt in a group, right? In fact, no only should you participate in lemming trains, you should encourage other to do so as well. Power is in numbers!

 

13. Never under any circumstances look at your map. It's evil Gypsy magic put there to tempt you into becoming a unicum. Ignore it, or even better put some tape over that part of your monitor, to reduce the temptation.

 

Finally, do not forget to remind yourself – being a noob is wholesome, being a noob is light, love thy noob-self and all shall be good.

 

P.S. Many thanks for reading and do not forget that your input on improving this guide is much appreciated.


EDIT: typos and added additional rules - integrated wise words of gunslingerXXX and Cragarion
 


Edited by m1x_angelico, 24 December 2017 - 09:55 PM.


SuedKAT #2 Posted 24 December 2017 - 08:37 PM

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View Postm1x_angelico, on 24 December 2017 - 08:34 PM, said:

Introductory remarks

Choose you in-game name wisely: Choose strong words like - pro, unicum, unicorn, power, mega, giga, ultra, stronk, crusher; and combine them with the name of your nation, your favorite cartoon/movie character, or your favorite pet's name. In addition, a popular choice is to combine your personal name with your age or last two digits of the year you were born to, but this is considered a week choice for a stronk noob.

__xXx_Rommel69Patton_xXx__2017 disagree, there can only be one name to rule them all!!



gunslingerXXX #3 Posted 24 December 2017 - 08:45 PM

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11. Allways load HE because most dmg.

m1x_angelico #4 Posted 24 December 2017 - 08:49 PM

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View PostgunslingerXXX, on 24 December 2017 - 08:45 PM, said:

11. Allways load HE because most dmg.

 

Added, with a twist ;)

cragarion #5 Posted 24 December 2017 - 08:56 PM

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Here's an old thread of mine to help,

 

http://forum.worldof...s#entry12883285



Nishi_Kinuyo #6 Posted 24 December 2017 - 08:57 PM

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Well, at least I got the name part right. :medal:

PhooBar #7 Posted 25 December 2017 - 01:44 AM

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NO.

 

Bad, thread is bad.

 

Getting advice on how to be a noob© from somebody that is not a Dinger®, is like getting advice on how to be a porn star from a virgin.

 



Pvt_Duffer #8 Posted 25 December 2017 - 02:06 AM

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Well I was about to....but Phoobar.... so not much point really.

Pandabird #9 Posted 25 December 2017 - 02:51 AM

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Also your main objective in this game is to get a tier X heavy tank then go afk because more health = live longer

Spurtung #10 Posted 25 December 2017 - 03:49 AM

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View Postm1x_angelico, on 24 December 2017 - 09:49 PM, said:

 

Added, with a twist ;)

 

Add my sig instead.

 

Edit: damn, son, you ninja'd me.


Edited by Spurtung, 25 December 2017 - 03:50 AM.


vasilinhorulezz #11 Posted 25 December 2017 - 07:04 AM

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14. While driving to position, always stop sideways on the enemy TDs to take a shot at the enemy light tank that's been just spotted, then get wrecked.

 

15. Don't forget to regularly go to the forums and start threads about how bad MM is, and noobs always get matched against unicums,

      also Rigged RNG and WR.



HassenderZerhacker #12 Posted 25 December 2017 - 08:15 AM

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16. when a tank is fighting at a corner, help it by placing your tank right behind it after it peeks past the corner.

17. when a tank is sidescraping and reverses to take a shot, be sure to put your tank between him and the wall.

18. when a teammate fights a lone enemy tank nearby and you could flank it, leave your teammate sort it out alone and hide.

19. when driving a fast tank, always try to ram these VK100.01P and KV-4, it will do damage!

20. when driving a slow tank, be sure to block lights from driving out quickly from the spawn. because it's more important that you get out first in your St.Emil.


Edited by HassenderZerhacker, 25 December 2017 - 08:17 AM.


Lycopersicon #13 Posted 25 December 2017 - 08:54 AM

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I would drop 2 and (in particular) 6, these are more of a pro stuff.

Joggaman #14 Posted 25 December 2017 - 11:47 AM

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View PostFarCall, on 11 January 2017 - 03:43 PM, said:

I think you need to get around to finishing off that "WOT for Dummies" book, Jogga, and putting it on sale.  It would be a best-seller ;)

 

This is what I have so far:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notice how chapter is deliberately misspelled in every headline. Thats dedication!

Everything is ready for publishing. Just need someone to publish it:coin:



JCD3nton #15 Posted 25 December 2017 - 12:45 PM

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When you play a LT, rush as soon as the game starts and suicide spot to complete the game with zero damage and 312 spotting damage.

Graeme0 #16 Posted 25 December 2017 - 01:07 PM

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Upgrading is for gold spammers.

 

Playing a 'stock tank' makes no difference to the gameplay. So don't bother

 

And never waste money on crew, the free ones are best, especially when trained for a different tank



Temid23 #17 Posted 25 December 2017 - 01:13 PM

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Do not use repair kits and med kits coz driving around in top tier med with ammorack and dead gunner and/or loader for 5 minutes is cool thing to do :great:

(Credit to some 44% player from yesterday) :hiding:



Excavatus #18 Posted 25 December 2017 - 01:25 PM

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WE HAVE THE OFFICIAL WORDING ON OUR TONKS!! SAYS "NOOB"

We want copyright rights...



Ochso #19 Posted 25 December 2017 - 02:43 PM

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I must be doing it wrong then..

 

First thing I do is press V  ( gets rid of all the distractions )

 

Then straight into sniper mode..   

Then practice with gun on way to a hidey hole by shooting anything  to get my aim in.

 

  



Captain_Kremen0 #20 Posted 25 December 2017 - 11:46 PM

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I cant afford gold but I AM a noob and can provide bobs and vagene pics




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