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The Art of Coarse Tanking Ch 1


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Bulldog_Drummond #1 Posted 19 April 2018 - 11:00 PM

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It was amusing to see the Foreword to this series on WoT Coarse tanking gameplay so rapidly moved to off-topic, as it exemplifies how for the Coarse Tanker nothing will ever quite go to plan.

 

The Coarse Tanker is red, orange, or yellow, and what he loses in skill he makes up in enthusiasm.  He doggedly ploughs on against the odds, namely that the other team is always more skilful, has more artillery, and fires more gold ammo, as well as using hax and premiums.

 

Actually that is not quite true.  The other team is invariably less skilful than the Coarse Tanker, and yet somehow contrives to win through luck, hax, gold ammo, etc.

 

The other problem for the Coarse Tanker is that he is never on a team of 15.  That may technically be on the roster yet in battle it will be more like 10, as one will accidentally drown, another will deliberately drown, 2 will be AFK and another 2 will footle around at base and get a score of 0 after the game is lost.

 

If the Coarse Tanker is in a toon, it will be with some fellow drunks from his hometown or some unutterably tenth rate (or worse) clan who only joined his toon because they felt sorry for him and are as likely to fall off a cliff as to hit an enemy.

 

To be continued.

 

Chapter 2 - Choosing a Coarse Tank

 

Coarse Tankers, although always enthusiastic and trying their best, are, unfortunately, completely useless.  Do not despair, for 95% of players are Coarse Tankers, so your skills will be at least equal to theirs.  What we need is an edge, and this is where choice of tank is critical.

 

The worst mistake a novice Coarse Tanker can make is to listen to experts and good players.  They will tell you about cunning tactics, the need to get to high levels to improve skills, about aiming for weakspots, that the Skorpion G is over-powered, and similar rubbish.  Ignore such advice, it is all rot as far as the Coarse Tanker is concerned.  You have only one aim, and that is to win, with the minimum amount of skill and effort.  Time wasted on watching experts on stream making things look easy, in the vain hope you could ever be like them, would be more profitably spent in the pub.  

 

So, given that you want to win, and that your skills are and always will be mediocre, the key decision will be choice of tank.

 

Once again, ignore the experts.  They know nothing about Coarse Tanking and their advice on tank selection is worthless.  What you need is a range of tanks in which any fool can and will harvest wins.  The golden rules for tank selection are:

 

1) Rarity.  Find some tank that is seldom seen.  It doesn't matter (within reason) how bad it is.  After a few dozen games you will get the hang of it.  As they have seldom or never seen it before your opponents will be clueless about its strengths and weaknesses.  This is the Zulu Principle - spend half an hour reading about the Zulus and you will know more about them than 99.99% of people on the planet.

2) Buy a rubbish tank with good gold ammo.  There are plenty of tanks which are universally despised but which have transformational gold ammo, e.g. the DW2 or PzIID or Pz38(t)NA.  Let them laugh at your Douchewagen.  The boot will be on the other foot after you have shredded them with 2100 dpm and 130 pen.  What you do not do is to buy a universally acknowledged OP tank like the KV1 since although it might look good on paper there are so many out there that everyone knows its weak spots.

3) Stick with the tanks that win for you.  If you can get 55% wins in a tank, there is something about it that works for you.  Keep it.  Do not be seduced by the lure of grinding further, that will only end in tears before bedtime.

4) Know your limitations.  Most Coarse Tankers struggle at higher tiers.  Get to a tier that works for you and stick to that as your limit.

5) Do not despise HE.  With a derp gun you will do okay even if you can't aim for toffee and know nothing about weak spots.

6) Armour is your friend.  Leave the soft-skinned tanks for the clever kids at the back of the class.  The only exception is if the tank has binos, camo, a good gun, and is invisible when sitting in a bush.

7) Any tank with preferential match making will give you a welcome edge.

 

 


 

Edited by NickMustaine, 22 April 2018 - 12:35 PM.


LordMuffin #2 Posted 21 April 2018 - 01:56 PM

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You should add.
Play Obj 268 v4
Aswell.

Bulldog_Drummond #3 Posted 21 April 2018 - 02:22 PM

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View PostLordMuffin, on 21 April 2018 - 12:56 PM, said:

You should add.
Play Obj 268 v4
Aswell.

 

The problem for Coarse Tankers like myself is that although we can admire OP high tier tanks like the 268, and thrill to see them perform in the hands of a competent player like Lord Muffin, in our hands they inevitably turn to sackcloth and ashes,  I must have a few dozen higher tier OP tanks gathering dust in my garage, all with lousy win rates.

 

The Coarse tanker needs to bear in mind his limitations (Rule 4) above.  We will be at least as bad in a 268 as in anything else, and very probably worse.

 

We can add a new Rule 8 - Camo is Key.  This doesn't mean real camo, it means being psychologically invisible to the enemy.  This can be achieved through carefully maintaining a terrible WN8 colour or by playing tanks that everyone knows are useless.  That way the Coarse Tanker will be the last to be targeted, while his more skilful and better equipped comrades are smouldering wrecks.



Jamadeus #4 Posted 21 April 2018 - 02:49 PM

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This might be funny if it wasn't me you were talking about. Ouch, the truth hurts.

Nice to see you back BD.



LordMuffin #5 Posted 21 April 2018 - 03:23 PM

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View PostBulldog_Drummond, on 21 April 2018 - 02:22 PM, said:

 

The problem for Coarse Tankers like myself is that although we can admire OP high tier tanks like the 268, and thrill to see them perform in the hands of a competent player like Lord Muffin, in our hands they inevitably turn to sackcloth and ashes,  I must have a few dozen higher tier OP tanks gathering dust in my garage, all with lousy win rates.

 

The Coarse tanker needs to bear in mind his limitations (Rule 4) above.  We will be at least as bad in a 268 as in anything else, and very probably worse.

 

We can add a new Rule 8 - Camo is Key.  This doesn't mean real camo, it means being psychologically invisible to the enemy.  This can be achieved through carefully maintaining a terrible WN8 colour or by playing tanks that everyone knows are useless.  That way the Coarse Tanker will be the last to be targeted, while his more skilful and better equipped comrades are smouldering wrecks.

I firmly believe that the Coarse Tanker will perform at a high WR in the obj 268 v4.

The tank has all the attributes the coarse tanker loathes.

1: almost impenetrable frontal armour.

2: high pen good alpha gun.

3: fast both in reverse and forward.



Bulldog_Drummond #6 Posted 21 April 2018 - 03:31 PM

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View PostJamadeus, on 21 April 2018 - 01:49 PM, said:

This might be funny if it wasn't me you were talking about. Ouch, the truth hurts.

Nice to see you back BD.

 

Thanks, Jam.  Good to be back.

 

WoT has been good to me, and I feel it incumbent on me to give something back.  With many years experience I would normally charge for this sort of advice but here it is, free, gratis, and for nothing.  And to quote Professor Harold Hill:

 

Remember my friends, listen to me, 
Because I pass this way but once

 

 

 

View PostLordMuffin, on 21 April 2018 - 02:23 PM, said:

I firmly believe that the Coarse Tanker will perform at a high WR in the obj 268 v4.

The tank has all the attributes the coarse tanker loathes.

1: almost impenetrable frontal armour.

2: high pen good alpha gun.

3: fast both in reverse and forward.

 

You are, I am afraid, forgetting:

 

Rule (9): The Coarse tanker will never get a good win rate in a Tier 10 tank, regardless of how OP it is.  It is futile going there, so don't even bother.



LordMuffin #7 Posted 21 April 2018 - 05:28 PM

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View PostBulldog_Drummond, on 21 April 2018 - 03:31 PM, said:

 

Thanks, Jam.  Good to be back.

 

WoT has been good to me, and I feel it incumbent on me to give something back.  With many years experience I would normally charge for this sort of advice but here it is, free, gratis, and for nothing.  And to quote Professor Harold Hill:

 

Remember my friends, listen to me, 
Because I pass this way but once

 

 

 

 

You are, I am afraid, forgetting:

 

Rule (9): The Coarse tanker will never get a good win rate in a Tier 10 tank, regardless of how OP it is.  It is futile going there, so don't even bother.

Rule (9), must have missed that.

Is the VK100P acceptable tier?



Bulldog_Drummond #8 Posted 21 April 2018 - 05:43 PM

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View PostLordMuffin, on 21 April 2018 - 04:28 PM, said:

Rule (9), must have missed that.

Is the VK100P acceptable tier?

 

I am glad you raised that point, as the VK100P is a perfect example.  Widely touted by experts and competent players as OP - in the hands of a Coarse Tanker such as myself it is worse than useless.

 

Compare and contrast to the VK 168 Mausbrecher, a very similar Tier 8 German heavy.  The VK 168 is widely despised by the experts as utter rubbish.  Yet it fulfils Rule 1 (rarity) and Rule 6 (armour).  The clever kids can shoot its easy weak spots but bear in mind that 95% of players are Coarse Tankers and wouldn't know a weak spot if it hit them over the head.  So in reality the OP VK 100 does far worse than the UP VK 168.

 

Rule 9 is the oldest Rule in the book.  In due course I may invent Rule 10 etc.


Edited by Bulldog_Drummond, 21 April 2018 - 05:46 PM.


arthurwellsley #9 Posted 21 April 2018 - 05:51 PM

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Fascinating and informative gameplay guide for the Coarse Tanker.

Well played that man. The mods need to pin this thread at the top of gameplay.

 

So far the OP is recommending the following tanks for the Coarse Tanker;

1. DW2

3. PzIID

3. Pz38(t)NA

4. VK 168 Mausbrecher.

 

Might I be so bold as to ask for his learned advise on whether the following vehicles fit his criteria;

i. KV-5

ii. KV 220

iii. Defender/Object 252U



Bulldog_Drummond #10 Posted 21 April 2018 - 06:00 PM

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View Postarthurwellsley, on 21 April 2018 - 04:51 PM, said:

Fascinating and informative gameplay guide for the Coarse Tanker.

Well played that man. The mods need to pin this thread at the top of gameplay.

 

So far the OP is recommending the following tanks for the Coarse Tanker;

1. DW2

3. PzIID

3. Pz38(t)NA

4. VK 168 Mausbrecher.

 

Might I be so bold as to ask for his learned advise on whether the following vehicles fit his criteria;

i. KV-5

ii. KV 220

iii. Defender/Object 252U

 

Indeed you may.  KV5 and KV220 perfectly meet Rules 1 (rarity) and 6 (armour).  No other Coarse Tanker can lay a finger on them unless he gets lucky.

 

The 252 is one where I am unable to opine.  Not having one myself I would say it probably meets the above Rules, although it fails on Rule 10

 

Rule 10: Any Russian tank with a pike nose will perform abysmally for a Coarse Tanker no matter how OP the experts claim it to be.

 

While somewhat out of sequence, I will seek the indulgence of the Mods to re-post below the Foreword to this, from a few days ago, which mysteriously transmogrified to Off Topic.  As the entire sequence is entirely about GamePlay, this would appear to have been a computer error.

 

The comic classic 'The Art of Coarse Rugby' by Michael Green was first published in 1960 and, sadly, along with most of his other books, is now out of print, although his equally classic 'The Art of Coarse Acting' was recently republished.  I can highly recommend all of his dozen or so books on similar themes.  It occurred to me that it might be amusing (at least to me) if we were to enter into the spirit of the thing, for me to steal his best jokes, adapt them a little, pastiche and plagiarise a bit, apply to WoT and see where it all ends up.  Occasional chapters will follow.

 

These chapters will be addressed not to the minute percentage of players who are actually good at the game but to the vast majority who, like me, are rubbish.  Not for us the purple and blue ribands, the stately clans, the streaming and awards for interviews.  No, we are the Coarse Tankers, playing in a dirty dressing gown with a surreptitious bottle of whisky and packet of fags, attempting one last game at 11.30 at night, with a baby screaming downstairs and a furious wife.  We have lost 13 games in a row and need to be on the road at 6.30 am for that sales meeting in Birmingham.

 

Theirs not to reason why

Theirs but to do or die

 

An interview with Mr Green a few years ago included the following comment by him on his book:

 

“It was very British, it's only ever appeared in English actually and I seriously doubt if the French for example would ever ‘get’ the ‘coarse’ philosophy at all. Essentially it was – is – about losing and being rubbish and incompetent while aspiring to so much more and I suspect only us Brits find that gentle ego-pricking genuinely funny. Not that we set out to be hopeless, we always tried our very best which only added to the pathos. I was genuinely fed up for half hour afterwards if I played badly and/or we lost. It’s also about muddling through a crisis, normally of your own making, mate-ship, excessive drinking and occasional poor-ish behaviour dressed up under the banner of high spirits. Again that is very British.”

 

 


 

Long_Range_Sniper #11 Posted 21 April 2018 - 06:13 PM

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Weren't you 60% (purple) winrate for recent stats at one point BD?

 

What's the coarse tanker rule about dropping winrate? Have you been secretly grinding high tiers?



Bulldog_Drummond #12 Posted 21 April 2018 - 06:26 PM

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View PostLong_Range_Sniper, on 21 April 2018 - 05:13 PM, said:

Weren't you 60% (purple) winrate for recent stats at one point BD?

 

What's the coarse tanker rule about dropping winrate? Have you been secretly grinding high tiers?

 

Rule 11: If you hunt around and do some research you can quite easily find some low tier tank that is ridiculously OP and will allow any Coarse Tanker to slaughter the enemy left right and centre.  You will rapidly acquire impressive stats.  The advantage is that you can post messages on the forum of (if you are so inclined) a rather sneering nature to anyone who disagrees with you (since their stats are worse than yours and their opinions thereby inconsiderable) and there is not much they can do about it.

 

This does, however, breach Rule 8 (psycological camo) and so is not recommended as a long term ploy.

 

Chapter 3 - Tactics

 

There are two, and only two, tactics that apply in Coarse tanking.  These are:

 

  1. Yolo; and
  2. Sit in a bush

 

Do not allow anyone to persuade you that there are more effective tactics.  They are deliberately attempting to mislead you.


 

Edited by NickMustaine, 22 April 2018 - 12:39 PM.


CircleOfSorrow #13 Posted 21 April 2018 - 10:11 PM

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It must of taken you a very long time to type all that with two fingers mister.

Bulldog_Drummond #14 Posted 21 April 2018 - 10:26 PM

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View PostCircleOfSorrow, on 21 April 2018 - 09:11 PM, said:

It must of taken you a very long time to type all that with two fingers mister.

 

My friends Archy and Mehitabel assist me with the keyboard.  Being a cockroach, Archy has some trouble with the shift key, but he has asked me to pass on some thoughts:

 

http://donmarquis.com/reading-room/maxims/

 

So far as Coarse Tanking goes, I think that one of Archy's thoughts is apposite:

 

an optimist is a guy
that has never had
much experience


Edited by Bulldog_Drummond, 21 April 2018 - 10:31 PM.


250swb #15 Posted 21 April 2018 - 10:40 PM

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View PostCircleOfSorrow, on 21 April 2018 - 09:11 PM, said:

It must of taken you a very long time to type all that with two fingers mister.

 

And some people take even longer to read it..........

CircleOfSorrow #16 Posted 21 April 2018 - 10:47 PM

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View PostBulldog_Drummond, on 21 April 2018 - 09:26 PM, said:

 

My friends Archy and Mehitabel assist me with the keyboard.  Being a cockroach, Archy has some trouble with the shift key, but he has asked me to pass on some thoughts:

 

http://donmarquis.com/reading-room/maxims/

 

So far as Coarse Tanking goes, I think that one of Archy's thoughts is apposite:

 

an optimist is a guy
that has never had
much experience

 

I read that whole page, and I bet you smell like camphor and butter-menthols.

 

I'm glad you're making interesting threads on the forum.  The place has been awfully boring for a while now.



Bulldog_Drummond #17 Posted 21 April 2018 - 11:19 PM

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View PostCircleOfSorrow, on 21 April 2018 - 09:47 PM, said:

 

I read that whole page, and I bet you smell like camphor and butter-menthols.

 

I'm glad you're making interesting threads on the forum.  The place has been awfully boring for a while now.

 

there is always
something to be thankful
for you would not
think that a coarse tanker
had much ground
for optimism
but as the fishing season
opens up i grow
more and more
cheerful at the thought
that nobody ever got
the notion of using
coarse tankers for bait

BravelyRanAway #18 Posted 21 April 2018 - 11:22 PM

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I am a coarse tanker, I can see where I went wrong or why games were lost, but I CBA studying like a unicum as there are more pressing issues in my life that supersede being good at tanks. Does this mean I play for fun?.....Yes, but it doesn't mean I blame all around me.....that would be too coarse!:hiding:

Bulldog_Drummond #19 Posted 21 April 2018 - 11:28 PM

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View PostBravelyRanAway, on 21 April 2018 - 10:22 PM, said:

I am a coarse tanker, I can see where I went wrong or why games were lost, but I CBA studying like a unicum as there are more pressing issues in my life that supersede being good at tanks. Does this mean I play for fun?.....Yes, but it doesn't mean I blame all around me.....that would be too coarse!:hiding:

 

If a Tanker is branded as Coarse there is no escape, no matter what he achieves.  I have sat on the Dingers committee for years and have still never made it past the fourth team.  Perhaps I should have married the Chairman's daughter.

 

 



BravelyRanAway #20 Posted 21 April 2018 - 11:33 PM

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View PostBulldog_Drummond, on 21 April 2018 - 10:28 PM, said:

If a Tanker is branded as Coarse there is no escape, no matter what he achieves.  I have sat on the Dingers committee for years and have still never made it past the fourth team.  Perhaps I should have married the Chairman's daughter.

I'll have another bottle of wine before I try to decipher that.(hic*)






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