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The Officer's Mess

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OllieCromwell #21 Posted 10 May 2018 - 09:19 PM

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Dead_in_30_seconds #22 Posted 10 May 2018 - 09:36 PM

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Nice.

 

This is what goes through my head while I'm running around in my LT.

 



Dead_in_30_seconds #23 Posted 10 May 2018 - 09:46 PM

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Obviously I never get past the first 30 seconds tho' :arta:

SGT_Sprocket22 #24 Posted 10 May 2018 - 10:11 PM

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​Ode To A  Small Lump Of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One Midsummer Morning 

 

Putty. Putty. Putty.
Green Putty - Grutty Peen.
Grarmpitutty - Morning!
Pridsummer - Grorning Utty!
Discovery..... Oh.
Putty?..... Armpit?
Armpit..... Putty.
Not even a particularly
Nice shade of green.
As I lick my armpit and shall agree,
That this putty is very well green.

Edited by SGT_Sprocket22, 10 May 2018 - 10:11 PM.


PhooBar #25 Posted 10 May 2018 - 10:19 PM

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View PostSGT_Sprocket22, on 10 May 2018 - 10:11 PM, said:

 

 

​Ode To A  Small Lump Of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One Midsummer Morning 

 

Putty. Putty. Putty.
Green Putty - Grutty Peen.
Grarmpitutty - Morning!
Pridsummer - Grorning Utty!
Discovery..... Oh.
Putty?..... Armpit?
Armpit..... Putty.
Not even a particularly
Nice shade of green.
As I lick my armpit and shall agree,
That this putty is very well green.

Aye Grunthos, ye shall be sorely missed...



SGT_Sprocket22 #26 Posted 10 May 2018 - 10:31 PM

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View PostPhooBar, on 10 May 2018 - 09:19 PM, said:

Aye Grunthos, ye shall be sorely missed...

 

​Such a shame. I was so looking forward to his 12 book epic about a piece of orange matter he found in his anal cavity.

Dead_in_30_seconds #27 Posted 10 May 2018 - 10:55 PM

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If The Hitchhikers's Guide to the GALAXY is gonna get a mention, and let's face it, who doesn't like any sort of chocolate bar, what about the fact it's mentioned in a forum called off-TOPIC, the posts will hopefully raise a few SNICKERS, designed to give it's readers a BOOST, whilst revealing a BOUNTY of talent, drooling over the CRUNCHIE crust of a pepperoni pizza and earning a RIPPLE of applause.

 

 



Dead_in_30_seconds #28 Posted 10 May 2018 - 11:05 PM

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Did you hear about the arty player who was admitted to hospital with terrible blisters on his feet?

 

The doctor says, 'blimey mate, what happened to you?'

 

The arty player replies, 'well I was having a steam pudding for my tea, and the instructions said, remove lid and stand in boiling water for 10 minutes!!'



Babbet_1 #29 Posted 10 May 2018 - 11:46 PM

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Clemmy – An Epitaph  (With apologies to Rudyard Kipling for this poor parody on Mandalay)

 

On a Prokorovka hilltop staring sightless ‘cross the lake

There’s a Churchill III a’rustin that sits there ‘cos of our mistake

Her scarred and smoke-blacked turret lying several yards away

Tells of HE shell that came from hell

Upon that fateful day

 

On the road to Prokorov

Where the gals charge ‘alf a sov

Can’t you hear our tracks a’clankin

Driving up from Malinov

 

On the road to Prokhorovka

The beer aint worth a light

So we sat round neckin’ vodka

‘Til the small hours of the night

 

We first clapped eyes upon her on a Rosyth dockside grey,

And we shipped with her to Russia via Faeroes and Norway

We went to teach the Cossak boys just how to drive our tanks

But we found they knew just what to do

And we got little thanks

 

In Murmansk we disembarked her, that’s where she came to life

And we named her simply “Clemmy” after Winnie’s troubl’an strife

We rode with her to Moscow on a half a mile long train

Then on to Kursk and Oboyan ‘cross the endless Russian plain

 

On the road to Prokhorovka

The beer aint worth a light

So we sat round neckin’ vodka

‘Til the small hours of the night

 

Through fierce and bloody fighting across that empty land

We came to Prokhorovka and there we made our stand

And t’was there she copped a crumper, right through her engine deck

So there we had to leave her, a burned out smouldering wreck

 

Now that’s all put behind us, so very long ago

And we won’t go back to Russia, they can keep their winter snow!

These days lads boast on forum of the epic kills they’ve made

But tanks weren’t toys to us young boys

T’was a deadlier game we played!

 

On the road to Prokorov

Where the gals charge 'alf a sov

Can’t you hear our tracks a’clankin

Driving up from Malinov

 

On the hill at Prokorov

That the Ruskies still talk of

A Tiger’s kill, she lies there still

Our battered steel-clad love.

 


Edited by Babbet_1, 10 May 2018 - 11:47 PM.


SGT_Sprocket22 #30 Posted 11 May 2018 - 12:00 AM

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View PostDead_in_30_seconds, on 10 May 2018 - 09:55 PM, said:

If The Hitchhikers's Guide to the GALAXY is gonna get a mention, and let's face it, who doesn't like any sort of chocolate bar, what about the fact it's mentioned in a forum called off-TOPIC, the posts will hopefully raise a few SNICKERS, designed to give it's readers a BOOST, whilst revealing a BOUNTY of talent, drooling over the CRUNCHIE crust of a pepperoni pizza and earning a RIPPLE of applause.

 

 

 

​I would invite you to CHOMP on this FLAKE of comedy. You know, writing funny things is a walk in the park, you could say its a PICNIC. The Two Ronnies, comedy DUO, they are my HEROES. I had a friend once back in BOURNVILLE, Fred was his name but we all called him FREDDO. He was always making jokes and his hair was CURLEY WURLEY which made him even more funny. He was also obsessed with dancing, I'd only have to WISPA and he would instantly do a TWIRL. My other friend, Richard who's nickname was RICH T for some reason, well he wasn't really interesting so there's no point telling you about him. 

 

Once I asked my dad "What's Dairy". 

"It's milk", he replied 

"Hmmmm...Dairy Milk".



Subject117 #31 Posted 11 May 2018 - 06:12 AM

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View PostSGT_Sprocket22, on 10 May 2018 - 11:00 PM, said:

 

​I would invite you to CHOMP on this FLAKE of comedy. You know, writing funny things is a walk in the park, you could say its a PICNIC. The Two Ronnies, comedy DUO, they are my HEROES. I had a friend once back in BOURNVILLE, Fred was his name but we all called him FREDDO. He was always making jokes and his hair was CURLEY WURLEY which made him even more funny. He was also obsessed with dancing, I'd only have to WISPA and he would instantly do a TWIRL. My other friend, Richard who's nickname was RICH T for some reason, well he wasn't really interesting so there's no point telling you about him. 

 

Once I asked my dad "What's Dairy". 

"It's milk", he replied 

"Hmmmm...Dairy Milk".

 

​Banned for bringing a biscuit to a chocolate fight!

 

Oh sorry, wrong thread :P


Edited by Subject117, 11 May 2018 - 06:12 AM.


SGT_Sprocket22 #32 Posted 11 May 2018 - 06:41 AM

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View PostSubject117, on 11 May 2018 - 05:12 AM, said:

 

​Banned for bringing a biscuit to a chocolate fight!

 

Oh sorry, wrong thread :P

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image result for so you think you are clever



Subject117 #33 Posted 11 May 2018 - 07:23 AM

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View PostSGT_Sprocket22, on 11 May 2018 - 05:41 AM, said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image result for so you think you are clever

 



SGT_Sprocket22 #34 Posted 11 May 2018 - 07:39 AM

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View PostSubject117, on 11 May 2018 - 06:23 AM, said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image result for got deaths 

 

 

 

You died a few minutes later so it was a hollow victory.



Babbet_1 #35 Posted 11 May 2018 - 11:41 AM

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A glorious day on Redshire

Such a bucolic scene

The trees in autumn colours

The fields are emerald green

 

But now a Zeppelin’s overhead

And wreckage spoils the view

God knows why they’ve dug those things up

It’s 1942!

 

Babbet_1 - Founder member of CRONA (Campaign for the Removal of Needless Anachronisms)



mpf1959 #36 Posted 11 May 2018 - 12:25 PM

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In other earth shattering news: It was so cold last night, we had to put the heating on! :amazed:

mpf1959 #37 Posted 11 May 2018 - 12:26 PM

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View PostTommy_Atkins_Teapot, on 10 May 2018 - 07:44 PM, said:

Dear 30 secs

A quote from a man, whom i idolised as a young teenager.

I had the pleasure of meeting this man back in 1972, suffice to say, never to be forgotten.

My best wishes to the Officers and Gentlemen, 

Regards

Tommy.

 

Tommy, sorry I shot you on Lakeside last night!

Tommy_Atkins_Teapot #38 Posted 11 May 2018 - 03:43 PM

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View Postmpf1959, on 11 May 2018 - 11:26 AM, said:

 

Tommy, sorry I shot you on Lakeside last night!

 

Dearest mpf1959,

My dear chap, that is the whole point of the game. Apologies for not noting a fellow forumite, and indeed greeting you.

I am a mod pack virgin so no big "F" appears.

Did i go down like a heroic General Custer style teapot, or did i squeel like a pig?

I do hope to return the favour, of course:izmena:

Regards

Tommy.



Babbet_1 #39 Posted 11 May 2018 - 04:06 PM

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Two Nuns fumbling about in a darkened convent late at night -

1st Nun - "Where's the Candle?"

2nd Nun - "Yes, it does rather, doesn't it!" 

:hiding:



SGT_Sprocket22 #40 Posted 11 May 2018 - 04:22 PM

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View PostBabbet_1, on 11 May 2018 - 03:06 PM, said:

Two Nuns fumbling about in a darkened convent late at night -

1st Nun - "Where's the Candle?"

2nd Nun - "Yes, it does rather, doesn't it!" 

:hiding:

 

I don't get it but its probably sexual 





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