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The Officer's Mess

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Dead_in_30_seconds #41 Posted 11 May 2018 - 06:43 PM

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Same two nuns are walking back from Midnight mass one night.

 

Suddenly, Dracula jumps out at them and approaches, hungry for blood.

 

"Quick," shouts the Mother Superior to the young nun, "show him your cross".

 

The young nun steps forward and shouts,

"F**K OFF DRACULA, YOU BAS**RD!!!"



SGT_Sprocket22 #42 Posted 11 May 2018 - 07:44 PM

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A Priest and a Nun are on a donkey in the desert. When the donkey dies of exhaustion, the priest says to the nun "I haven't ever seen a woman naked before".

 

"Really, is that so", said the Nun. 

 

"Yes it is true", replied the Priest. "Will you please get naked for me while we spend our last hours of life in the desert".

 

"Yes, I will", said the Nun.

 

So the nun strips down to her birthday suit and the priest looks at her vagina and says "What's that?"

 

"Its my black hole, you stick things in and it brings life", said the Nun. 

 

"Oh really", said the Priest 

 

Shortly after, the Nun says "I haven't ever seen a man naked. Will you please get naked for me as I did for you". 

 

"Indeed I will", said the Priest. 

 

So the priest stripped down to his birthday suit and the Nun stares at his John Thomas. Shortly after she says "What's that?"

 

"That's my Staff of Life. You stick it in black holes and it brings life". 

 

The Nun pondered for a moment and then shouted, "Well stick it up the donkeys black hole and lets get moving!"


Edited by SGT_Sprocket22, 11 May 2018 - 07:45 PM.


Dead_in_30_seconds #43 Posted 11 May 2018 - 09:07 PM

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Donkey goes to the vets complaining of being unable to sit down without discomfort.

 

Vet says, "so, what happened to you?"

 

"Well", says the donkey, "I was on Blackpool beach like normal, giving rides to all the kids, when suddenly this priest comes up behind me........"



Babbet_1 #44 Posted 11 May 2018 - 09:39 PM

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Topic of conversation has reverted to normal I see!  My apologies if I was in any way responsible for that!

(But I can't promise I won't do it again)  ;)



OllieCromwell #45 Posted 11 May 2018 - 10:06 PM

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Ok.. this calls for more music.

 



Dead_in_30_seconds #46 Posted 11 May 2018 - 10:38 PM

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Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

 

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

 

Doctor: "Nine, eight...."



Joggaman #47 Posted 11 May 2018 - 10:38 PM

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This place seem like a proper gentleman's club. I will fit right in. 

Babbet_1 #48 Posted 11 May 2018 - 10:46 PM

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A British tank breaks down in the vast expanse of the Sahara, and the crew, being unable to repair it, decide to try and walk to the nearest settlement, many days march away. After a couple of days, they come across a stray undernourished camel. "Well, here's a stroke of luck" says the commander, "We'll ride this camel to safety". So they all climb aboard, commander up front, then the driver, gunner, loader, and finally the radio op at the back. Well of course, this was a huge burden for the poor camel, but with kind words and encouragement, it struggled to carry them across the sand dunes for several days, until it finally collapsed and died of exhaustion.

The crew stood around, whilst the commander made a final examination of the corpse. Eventually he stood up, and in a subdued voice he said "well chaps, I'm afraid it is my considered opinion that this camel is well and truly f**ked"

 "Please sir" says the radio op, "I'm afraid that was me, it was the only way I could cling on!"



Dead_in_30_seconds #49 Posted 11 May 2018 - 10:52 PM

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That's a camel and a donkey so far tonight.

 

David Attenborough's gonna go mental!!



SGT_Sprocket22 #50 Posted 11 May 2018 - 11:42 PM

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American Giraffes...... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Related image



Babbet_1 #51 Posted 11 May 2018 - 11:44 PM

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View PostSGT_Sprocket22, on 11 May 2018 - 11:42 PM, said:

American Giraffes...... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Related image

Is that before or after the gastric band was fitted?



mpf1959 #52 Posted 12 May 2018 - 10:27 AM

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View PostTommy_Atkins_Teapot, on 11 May 2018 - 03:43 PM, said:

 

Dearest mpf1959,

My dear chap, that is the whole point of the game. Apologies for not noting a fellow forumite, and indeed greeting you.

I am a mod pack virgin so no big "F" appears.

Did i go down like a heroic General Custer style teapot, or did i squeel like a pig?

I do hope to return the favour, of course:izmena:

Regards

Tommy.

 

I don't run any mods at all, but that name is hard to miss! You wne down like a gent Tommy, but I got the kill nicked off me though as I was a bit off form as I'd took the crew from the Hummel for the GW Tiger P I just got, and i'll treat it as an honour to get blasted by you sir!

mpf1959 #53 Posted 12 May 2018 - 10:33 AM

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Here's a right up to th minute pick for all you hep popsters out there!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8rCy173y7Y

 



Babbet_1 #54 Posted 12 May 2018 - 11:55 AM

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After 40 years of loyal service it was time for Bob the postman to retire. Plodding around the familiar streets for the last time, he was overwhelmed by the good wishes and gifts that were showered upon him at virtually every door.

He was just popping the final letter into the last letterbox, when the door opened, and a gorgeous young woman stood before him, clad in nothing more than a very revealing negligee.

“Hello postie” she said, “I gather you are retiring today. Would you like to come in for a while?” Without waiting for an answer, she took him by the hand, closed the door and led him to the bedroom, where a very enjoyable time was had by all!

After such unaccustomed exercise, Bob dozed off for a while. When he awoke, he got dressed and went downstairs, to find that his young hostess had laid on a sumptuous Full English Breakfast for him, which he polished off with gusto.

Pushing his chair back, whilst slurping his 4th mug of tea, he noticed a shiny £1 coin tucked under the edge of his plate. “What’s this for?” he asked, picking it up.

“Well”, the young woman replied, “My husband and I were discussing what we should do to mark your retirement this morning, before he went to work.

We had some difficulty deciding on anything, but as he got in the car, he called out “F*ck the postie! Give him a quid!” The breakfast was my idea!”



SGT_Sprocket22 #55 Posted 12 May 2018 - 12:05 PM

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says,

 

"I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

 

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

 

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"



Dead_in_30_seconds #56 Posted 12 May 2018 - 02:04 PM

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A lady tells the nurse at a brand new, state of the art maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.”
 
Nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?”


SGT_Sprocket22 #57 Posted 12 May 2018 - 05:29 PM

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Here's a nice little riddle for you all: 

 

You see a boat filled with people. 

​It has not sunk but when you look again, 

​there's not a single person on board. 

 

​Why?



Dead_in_30_seconds #58 Posted 12 May 2018 - 06:01 PM

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Is it because the rest are married? Is that what it means by single?

Babbet_1 #59 Posted 12 May 2018 - 07:21 PM

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9View PostDead_in_30_seconds, on 12 May 2018 - 06:01 PM, said:

Is it because the rest are married? Is that what it means by single?

Think you've cracked it, Dits!  :great:



Dead_in_30_seconds #60 Posted 12 May 2018 - 09:37 PM

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A man pushes his car all the way to a train station,

 

When he gets there, his wife immediately demands all his money, leaving him bankrupt.

 

What's going on?







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